The Overlightning device
by Flannigan
Summary: Kang the Mad and Wild Flower have a conversation about one of Kang's missing devices. And you'll see what happened to it!


Legal disclaimer: Doesn't own Jade Empire

* * *

"Wild Flower?"

"Yes?" She smiled back innocently.

"You don't happen to know where my Overlightning device is? The one that gives a flash and blinds anyone who looks at it... and sometimes gives an spontaneous exlosion... I seem to have misplaced it. Somewhere I can't remember..." Kang the Mad searched under some random papers and blueprints, various gems and little trinkets for his device.

"Where did you put it?" She sat down on a box in his temporary workshop in Dirge.

"That's just the thing! I know I put it exactly right there on the table, and now it not there anymore! It must have disappeared in a small magnetic storm that causes time lapses and transform or transports anything that is caught in it! I think..."

"What? A small storm? You could just have forgotten where you put it."

"Nonono! That's not possible, because I remember putting it there when I got an idea on how to make explosions louder!"

She laughed. "You're funny. Why would you want explosions to be louder? They hurt my ears."

Kang stopped searching on his table and looked at Wild Flower. "Why? Why *not* is rather the interesting question to ask here, my young lady! The sound is what tells you how strong the impact on the material it makes. How much power do you think a silent explosion would have? None! And it wouldn't leave a big crater, that I tell you... So of course the sound must be an important part of the complicated recipie to an explosion!"

Wild Flower thought of this for a little while. "The guardian thinks that explosions shouldn't be at all. They only make people die. And they don't really need to be much louder I think."

"But explosions are delicate. In the hands of someone who doesn't know how to handle them, it won't do the same things that I can make with an explosion."

"Like what?"

"I, um... Examples, examples... Yes. Yes! The Marvelous Dragonfly and the Amber Mosquitos! The starting sequence is based on small explosions, so when the explode they give something that can be described as 'pushing energy'. When things explode you see that they fly off in a direction. But now they can't, so I added a machine I invented that can absorb this power, and can focus it on the ground so it comes out as steam and 'pushing power' from the pipes underneath it. Thus 'exploding' us from the ground. It truly is marvelous! I really must congratulate the genious who invented this piece of flying wonder!"

"That is you, Kang!"

"Ah! I belive you're right! At least I think you are. For all I know I invented it. I hate when people try to steal my inventions. But that's why I invented the exploding silver bananas..."

"But the explosions don't make loud noises inside the Dragonfly. They're quiet."

Kang laughed. "But can you really say that for sure? There are lot of other loud noises in there. Or do only I hear them? Say, you _do_ hear other noises when I start the Dragonfly?"

Wild Flower looked puzzled. "Yes. I do."

"Aha! So the louder the noise, the mightier the explosion! And bigger crater too!" He added.

"What?" Now she looked really confused.

"Now, now that that's done. Have you seen my Lightning Charger device?" He returned to searching.

"You mean your Overlightning device?"

"Hm? What? Yes. I meant that one. Have you seen it?"

"The guardian suggests that you should ask the others." She said.

"What? To think that one of them has been in my workshop, and stolen something is outright disturbing! And without triggering the silver bananas, too... No, none of them is clever enough, by my meaning!"

"So you think someone else have taken it? And I don't think that they actually stole it. Maybe they didn't know it was yours." Wild Flower pondered.

"Ha! Ungrateful rats, they are! After all, it was in my workshop, and I doubt they even know what it was they took!"

"But you don't even know who it was, how can you say so? Maybe the Emperor has sent out spies to sabotage for us?"

"Ha! Ungrateful rats, those too! I ought make a machine that will make their sandals be stuck on the ground."

"No explosion?"

"Maybe sandals that explodes when it touches ground? Not a bad idea..."

Wild Flower shrugged and decided, along with Chai Ka and Ya Zhen, to not try to keep up with the turns of Kang the Mad's mind.

"How did the Overlightning device look?"

"Like a small circular device. It's purple, and has some buttons and a switch on it."

"Like that thing?" She pointed.

"Like what?" Kang turned around to see where she was pointing.

"There, on your belt."

"What? No, that's just my stepcounter."

"Stepcounter?"

"Yes, it can count how many steps I take every day. If I take more steps than Zin Bu, a friend of mine, I'll get 10,000 Silver."

"Why would you do that?"

"Oh, just to make walking a little more exciting. But it doesn't look good so far, I'm afraid."

"That's too bad. Then you have to pay him 10.000 Silver?"

"Yes... Hmm... I know. Say, you run around more than I do, when you go around and play like small children do."

"I'm not small. I have the Guardian and the Other."

"Yes yes, of course. But you wouldn't mind carrying around this small device for me? I really don't need to be indebted. It's more of the opposite. I am already in debt, and need the money to pay back. And this time there ain't no Gao the Greater to bribe my way out of trouble."

"Wouldn't that be cheating? Jen Zi says that cheating is bad. And the Guardian also says so."

"No, you're helping me! It's for a good thing! And what could be nicer than to help a friend in need?"

"To defeat the evil Emperor and rescue Sun Li? Help Black Whirlwind with his drinking problem? Find Henpecked Hou a new wife? Get Silk Fox and Dawn Star to become friends? Hook Sky and Jen Zi up? Kill Ya Zhen? Bring back your lost memory and identity? Unbind Death's Hand?"

Kang went silent. "Ehh... Yes that too... But that doesn't matter right now, so might as well help me with this little task. Don't wan't to lose my hat. Or my head."

Wild Flower's eyes suddenly went white, and she started talking to someone that wasn't there.

Kang sighed. "Well, that's just rude. If I did that everytime I talked to someone, I wouldn't have many friends. That's for sure!"

When Wild Flower's eyes regained their original colour, she had a sly smile on her lips. "Say, Kang. I'll carry the thing for you. If you give me half of the money."

"Absolutely not! I need all the silver coins I can find! Why would you need so much money? You wouldn't be able to keep track of them."

"Hey, I eat for three now." Wild Flower stated.

Kang started thinking, scratching his chin. "Ah, what you say seems to be true... But still, I need all of the money, so no can do."

"[Intuition] Okay. But 5.000 silver coins is still more than nothing."

"[Failure] And 10.000 is even more. Now you must leave me, you got me thinking of a new invention... Yes, that will be good. If I only could make the Lotus Assassins wear these..."

"The exploding sandals?"

"Maybe... I think. Not. Why? You wont tell them, no?"

"Um... No."

"Good. No, not the sandals. I was thinking of something more effective. Like exploding mittens..."

Wild Flower quickly left the tent, and went to her bed and fell asleep.

* * *

In the Lotus Assassins HQ in Dirge

"Commander Asholé! I have found a new weapon!"

"What? Explain yourself?"

"It's the Scourge of the South! I snuck into one of their tents and stole this device! And some bananas!"

"Why did you steal bananas?"

"They were shiny and attached to the thing."

"That is an acceptable excuse. I expect them in my tent at dinner."

"Yes, Commander Asholé!"

"Now, what does this weapon do?"

"I... I don't know, Commander."

"Augh! The incompetence of it all!"

"But there is a note here! 'Overlightning device'?"

"I've heard that they have Kang the Mad with them. It's possible you stole some new kind of weapon he invented."

"It has a switch, Commander. Should I pull it?"

"No. Not yet. What if it is dangerous, or even summons demons? Call everyone here, Lieutenant B'astarrd."

"Yes, Commander Asholé!"

Everyone is summoned and is standing in front of Commander Asholé.

"As all of you know, we will attack the unknowing Scourge of the South later this night, but we've found a weapon! We must know it's purpose!"

Everyone screams "Activate it!"

"Shhh! What if they hear us!?"

Everyone mumbles "We're sorry..." and looks down at the ground.

"Very well. I want everyone to look at it closely as Lieutenant B'astarrd pull the switch!"

Everyone says in hushed voices "Yes! Activate it!"

"Okay. Here we go!"

He pulled the switch.

Nothing happened.

"Try again, Lieutenant B'astarrd." Commander Asholé commanded.

He tried again.

"Nothing is happening, Commander."

One of the Lotus Assassins called out to them.

"What is it? You, over there, the bald one with pale skin dressed in Lotus Assasin robes?" Commander Asholé said, looking out at his army of bald, pale Lotus Assassins dressed in Lotus Assassin robes, er, and giant golems.

Lieutentant B'astarrd looked at Commander Asholé. "Which one? They're all bald. At least until the order of wigs come next week."

"That specific Lotus Assassin will raise his arm _now_!" He ordered. He then added, to Lieutenant B'astarrd "Wigs? Are we expecting wigs?"

"Yes, Commander." He said incredulously. "We all look very funny, if you haven't noted."

Commander Asholé was shocked. "We do _not_ look funny! When did this happen?" He said in an angered tone.

"The acolytes complained that only Lim and Grand Inquisitor Jia were allowed to have hair. We would've had a revolution on our hands if we hadn't promised them wigs."

"Lim? He doesn't have hair! It's only the remains of hair! A ghost of his hair! A mere memory! I bet it isn't even hair, just paint, because he has no volume in it!"

**"AHEM"** Said the army, who were tired out of their socks of hearing them argue, again.

"What?" Said a confused Commander Asholé.

"Try hitting it! With a rock or something!" Said the specific Lotus Assassin who still had his arm raised.

"Brilliant idea! Lieutenant." He tossed him a rock he happened to have in his pocket, and waited.

Lieutenant B'astarrd raised his hand, ready to hit it. The whole crowd held their breath.

_Clank!_

"Nothing happened, again, Commander."

"Well, then just get ready to storm Dirg-"

**BOOOOOOOM!!!**

* * *

At the camp

**_BOOOOOOOM!!!_**

Everyone woke up!

"Aah! It's my wife!" Screamed Henpecked Hou, who was clearly still sleeping. Everyone else shot him a wierd look.

"What in the world was that?" Silk Fox asked out loud, over the confusion that was in the tent.

"It was the overlightning device!" Wild Flower exclaimed and rushed over to Kang. "Right?"

"Of course! It must be the thief that activated it."

"The what-thing device?" Black Whirlwind said.

"The overlightning device, you big lummox. I bet you didn't even hear how big the blast was."

"How big was it? For your sake, Kang, I hope it didn't cause an avalanche!" Silk Fox threathened.

"Not to worry, Princess. If it did, we'd be over our heads in snow right now. As for the size, ha! Seven 'O's. I can't wait to see that crater!"

Hou, who was awake now, said "What happened? Where is my wife?"

Everyone was astounded that he actually asked for his wife, and none could answer until he repeated the question a minute later.

"Not here... I thought you didn't want to see her?" Dawn Star said.

"I don't. I just thought she was here."

"Since when does your wife sound like an explosion?" Black Whilrwind wondered.

"Since she learnt how to wield a frying pan."

"Haha! Now that's something I haven't herad of! If you bring me some stronger wine, I could axe her up for you."

"Tempting, but too obvious someone murdered her. Coming from you, I guess that offer was a sign of concern."

"You think too much, little guy."

_"Could all of you be quiet?! We're trying to sleep here!"_ Shouted Jen Zi from her and Sky's tent.

"Sorry!" Dawn Star called back. "We shouold all go back to sleep, we have a long day ahead of us."

So they all went back to sleep.

* * *

The next morning

Radiant Jen Zi was walking impatiently forward and back in front of the ruins of Dirge.

"Where are they? Are we too early?"

"Um... No." Sky answered.

"Are we too late?"

"I think not."

"If they're not coming, then we're leaving!"

"What?"

"You heard me. Kang! Get the Dragonfly ready! We're leaving!"

"Can't we wait another hour? My axes are screaming for blood!" Black Whirlwind said.

"No."

"But what about the Empire?" Kang said.

"It'll be fine."

"What about the Water Dragon?" Said Chai Ka.

"She'll be fine."

"What about the spirit realm?" Abbot Song popped up and said.

"It was a boring place, I don't care."

"What about my sacrifice to save you?" Sagacious Zu popped up next to Abbot song, and said.

"I didn't ask you to sacrifice yourself."

"What about Master Li?" Dawn Star said.

"He is evil, he killed me."

"What about the Lotus Assassins?" Hou said.

"They're also evil. But not worth our attention, if they can't come on itme."

"What about me? Should I go and have two demons inside of me for the rest of my life?" Wild Flower said.

"Yes."

"What about Death's Hand?" Silk Fox said.

"What about him?"

"What about the Great Wheel?" Zin Bu's voice said.

"Get a hobby."

"What about those things?! What about _my _axes?!" Black Whirlwind said.

"I think I already responeded to that."

Jen Zi walked towards the Dragonfly.

"What? You're seriously going to leave?!" Sky ran up to her and said.

She nodded. "It's only proper. Let's go and rebuild Gao the Greaters slave business!" She grabbed Sky's arm and pulled him with her.

"What?!"

She looked back at the very confuzed lot. "[Intimidation] Are you coming, or should I leave you here to starve and ultimately become cannibals?"

"[Success] We're coming!"

They all didn't want to be stuck on a mountain and be turned to cannibals, so they all followed Jen Zi into the Dragonfly, and their slave business became the most successful slave business in the whole Jade Empire.

* * *

R&R please


End file.
